TROUBLE

Oh dear hearts, this off-season is treating us well. Generally after the exciting, fast-paced season, we know things will slow down and move into comfortable territory.

Not this year, and we I like it.

tumblr_mzo6bnftgu1r2buuoo1_500I woke up Saturday, feeling fresh after my previous night’s affair with Balvenie 14 on an LA rooftop with my two lovely ladies, to news: Oklahoma starting QB and Heisman Honey, Baker Mayfield decided in his intoxicated state, outrunning the police in ARKANSAS the same night, would be a fine idea.

I must say it’s a shame, since he was sacked tackled in Arkansas -which if you didn’t know, loathes the Oklahoma Sooners- that Mayfield wasn’t hog tied, thrown in the back of the cop car and had to say “Woo Pig Sooie” via Snapchat the entire ride to the police station.

Okay… not my best fantasy, but one of many.

Let’s pause and shake our heads for a moment. If you’re an OU fan, now would be a good time to pour one neat or put on a pot of bourbon, since this isn’t the only silly thing he’s done while at OU.

Hint, men should never wear spanx or spandex. Oh wait. Men do, at The Combine…

XXX 15-_CLOWNEY.JPGLets chat a minute about The Combine, since it begins this week. Darling it’s silly, yet we watch.The NFL has taken this to an event-like level. It’s ~300 sweaty athletes, wearing spanx, performing football-like activities in March.

I won’t lie to you, yes I want to watch Adoree Jackson, Dalvin Cook and Jabril Peppers. I’ll also watch each of their performances later over a little thing by the name, internet. Watching things live is not in sync with my lifestyle, where I stare at a smaller screen and not a 50″, all the time.

Now, here is the real femme rant. Brace yourselves. I want to see a player play. Not run the forty, catch passes, or bench 225 lbs until he’s given up on life, in a controlled environment.

No. No. No.

I want action! Imagine with me if the combine featured a 7-on-7 over 7 minute drills and rotated out players. I’d like that. In fact, I’d like that very much. It proves to me how that lineman or a specialty player reacts against various players. Also they would be wearing helmets and pads, unlike that svelte material, keeping this more in-touch with reality.

Ultimately I want to see how players react in real-time.  That shows me more, than him jumping 40 feet in the air, or running the 40-yard dash -unless he’s a WR or a Safety-.

Similar drills will also take place during each respective school’s pro day. Also similar drills can be done over practice, which scouts constantly attend during the season.

Don’t try to whisper to me The Combine demonstrates how a prospect handles himself under pressure (silly), or how he reacts to TV-time (again silly). Don’t do it.

Ole Miss is turning into one ole hot mess. Dear hearts, here’s a lesson in life, if you’re going to cheat, it better be: a) well-worth it b) better than what you’ve ever done before c) help you win. Doesn’t appear any of those little points made their way into HC Hugh Freeze & Co’s minds. Welcome to the trouble with college athletics football.

I’ve found it ironic how Ole Miss creeps their way into the Top 25 CFB pre-season rankings, season after season… consistently. Now that can finally stop.

In closing, this lady shed a few tears over the weekend. The Jets released O-lineman Nick Mangold, who not only had a mane of gold, a heart of gold, he also held down and was the whole O-line for the last three seasons. He deserves better, all of us Jets fans should agree.

Cheers,

x|o FFF

REBEL, REBEL

You love bands when they’re playing hard / You want more and you want it fast – David Bowie, RIP

I believe I’m one who will take the good times with the bad times. One of those ride or die women. Then I attended a Raiders game.

They were playing the Jets. Of course I had to be there. I wore my Jets had proudly walking in. They were there to play. I was there to support. It was only proper. It’s a semi-gangster moment to say I walked into the coli wearing my Jets hat with no shame.

Okay you caught me… my hat is black… and I was in black / gray attire, so you can tell I know how to handle myself when presented with a situation like this. My friends, who are fans and non-fans, counseled me to dress like them. Blend in. Don’t let them see who you’re really cheering for.

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After placing my head in my hands many times, and viewing the game through my fingers, at the disaster that played out before me (which is the usual for us fans of Gang Green), I decided to change my POV.

I’m a my-whiskey-glass-is-half-full kind of woman.

First, the view from my seat felt like the field was right below me. Not 100 yards away like at MetLife. I was enjoying the club level, much like I also do back in NYC. I felt like I was actually watching the game at the stadium, not on my TV.

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Second, after a few teasing words from the gents around me, they realized I could speak the ball of foot language, had massive respect for the great Bo Jackson (my all-time fave player), Howie Long, Coach Madden and one amazing woman, Amy Trask, they offered to buy me a few drinks. We sat back to watch their enjoyment, and my sadness.

I began to really like Raider Nation. Raider Nation embraced me. By the end of the game I was infatuated.

I decided to ask those around me how much their seats are. When they told me I first had to erase my look of shock and instant response, ‘pro season tickets less than USC football?!’ then I said, ‘okay and for your PSL?’ They looked at me like I was saying a naughty word, or hinting at a new STD.

‘PSL? We don’t have PSLs here.’ I was loving this place and team even more.

The next day I called their ticket office. I wanted a piece of the Coliseum. Unfortunately they didn’t have a place for me in 213… but months later they did in 214.

This is how the Raiders became the object of my affection last season dear hearts.

Raiders love is some love. As I took it all in, which felt more like a college game vs pro, and the community around me, add that view I had from section 213 I thought ‘THIS is one of the best NFL stadiums I have ever sat in.’

I’ve visited eight others. The femme football tour will continue this season. It’s not stopping until I’m six feet under.

I love the stories of grandmothers sitting in the stands next to the Black Panthers and Hells Angels. It demonstrates how deep the support of this team runs, how badass the team, the people and fan base are. I’ve not even touched on NWA and the way they made the Black & Silver get noticed and part of their brand.644815803

Being a Raider means you’re a rebel. You’re not like the rest. You standup for injustice. You stand for what you believe in. You found those who get you, and you’re family. Once a Raider, always a Raider.

This is the same team with a former owner who was a raider in his own right, robbing two cities with relocation, who hired minorities, including a Hispanic Head Coach, and a woman to run his front office. He may have grown a little senile as his age increased. I won’t gloss over that detail, he was a pioneer, and a rebel.

The list of well-known players from the 70’s and 80’s and how impressive Derek Carr played this season could take up another post, so I’ll stop here.

Thank you Oakland. Hopefully you will stay.

Cheers,

x|o FFF

LIGHT IT UP 

Hold on to the end, that’s what I intend to do. I’m hopelessly devoted to you

Olivia Newton John

Last post I caught us up on the Chiefs making the Raiders look like they were back in  2013, my favorite position, how the Heisman voters made me a very happy lady, and one very Lame Kiffin. 

Last Thursday night, who needed Christmas lights as the Seahawks lit up our homes.

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Would have been shameless fun for the lights to go out, like another game we remember, to see if those uni’s would glow. How fun would that be? Glow football… I have fantasies too you know.

Monday night, Redskins corner Josh Norman was definitely 1:1 with no safety help, like Jay Z said, and that’s not a compliment. Cam Newton looked like he did two seasons ago with his impressive performance. Distributing the ball to one of my favorite tight ends, Greg Olsen and passing deep to Ted Ginn Jr (he’s still around?!). They came and they slayed.  

With the Redskins out of the playoff picture, I’m not positive their QB Kirk Cousins will receive the payday he’s been yelling about. Do we need to remind him that playing football is a privilege, like he mentioned in the little speech he gave while in college at MSU?

What rhymes with 2016? Oh, and sixteen.

When I feel a little sad for being a Jet’s fan, I’m reminded of the Browns. They found themselves on my naughty list this year, as well as a few other lovely unwatchable teams, like the Jags, 49’ers, Jets, Rams and The Bears.

Oh and one more made my naughty list this year, Non-playoff bowl games.

The Bowl S**t games, (giggle or roll your eyes. I like to give you options dear heart, you’re welcome), give us something to talk about, and those people who give us the pre-season Top 25, something to base their rankings off of, and not do their homework.

We know the disguise these BS games stand for, Show Me the Money.

img_4317I don’t appreciate the attempts of clever statements that are just plain dirty. I have to nurse a glass of neat, after hearing, people want to watch! It gives the players something to play for!

You’re telling me that a 20-year old really wants to take a vacation to Boise, ID to play one last game in the Potato Bowl? Oh, and the coaches do too? It’s like this guy last week who told me he has ocean front property in Arizona. I’m about to roll on the floor in a fit of giggles, without someone tickling me.

Want to know what these little bowls also provide? Ca$h money to the other teams in their conference. Similar to the NFL and their revenue sharing model, colleges and universities are guilty of sharing their money too, honey.

A long, long time ago (2007) when Boise State won over Oklahoma in the Fiesta bowl, all non-big boy school conference commissioners decided it would be a fine idea to pull a Robin Hood, and distribute the proceeds across ALL of the non-big boy schools… WTF.

Yes, another what the football moment.

Suddenly that milli was not going to the team who actually won the game, but Southern Mississippi State, Appalachian State, and (insert here) University we had never ever heard of.

The only BS I licked my lips over and considered canceling dinner plans for, San Diego State vs Houston, wasn’t worth it.

In more college football-related news, now that Lame Kiffin is out, Sark is back, as the new Bama OC. Remember, Lame Kiffin’s desire is to be a HC of a school no one wants to watch. Seems about right.

Oh, the millennial generation is being selfish again, or this is what some old school football voices are saying.

Several coaches, and others have openly criticized LSU’s Leonard Fournette and Christian McCaffery of Stanford, for skipping their BS games, to prep for their next move in their lives, going pro.

Let me pose the real question, who’s the real selfish one in this debate, player or coach?

I find these comments easy to say, from men who’s bodies aren’t beat up after every game, and have a little cash in the bank to provide for those they love or want to love.

It’s a shrewd business move for a player who’s pro career will have an average life of <4 years. Think about that for a moment…

Now, what’s so wrong with an football player doing the same as his coach? That’s being a business-man.

Coaches stretch the truth and leave all the time. Remember when Saban told us he wasn’t leaving the Dolphins for Bama? Silly old non-saint Nick.

79gKCwl50jhaXiXC7-8u8haRp8rq4L1xYI2K1CajfQ8Keep your emotions in check that a player has his own interests in mind, and should after being devoted to his school, and assisting them to victory. LSU and Stanford’s wins were on the backs (pun intended) of Fournette and McCaffery.

Now off Utah I go… ’tis the season to be merry, although that’s not my name.

Cheers,

x|o FFF

Showdown

Baby stay calm we don’t need another episode

Future

Oh my… now! Right there! Yes, no. Yes! Yes! That’s it!

bed-sheetsThat was me on Sunday AM, realizing the PST alarm wasn’t set for noon EST.

It’s difficult to tap that app when you’re first waking up.

How was that WTF weekend? That’s what the football, of course.

Ever felt as though trying to keep up with all this exhausting? Me neither. Let’s keep the good times rolling dear hearts.

The Playoff Chamber has spoken. The selections have been made. Oh dear, your team wasn’t chosen? Neither was mine. It’s simple, get better at football, win and be willing to play a solid out of conference schedule. 

As for the playoff I like to think in terms of what I like, quality. I’m also guilty of enjoying a hot, fabulous mess. Who doesn’t? Realize, hot messes are reserved for the season. They’re fun and quickly forgotten. Remember Iowa last year? Their QB was Beathard (literally) You want that again?

Uh huh honey, sure you do…

When trophies are involved, keep it classy and save the best for last. eyes-cant-watch

Sunday, was not quite bloody but it sure was nice. A few scores (Bills/Raiders, Chiefs/Falcons) kept nice and tight, just like Thursday night, and exactly what I like.

One word sums up the Jets season, disaster.

A real nightmare before Christmas. I saw Andrew Luck pop up when I was asleep last night. I couldn’t defend him. I felt hopeless. I can’t take this anymore.

So dear Jet’s owner Woody Johnson, and that wasn’t a double entendre I was intending, you’re really living up to your name in more ways than one, and that’s not a compliment. 

Santa, all I want for Christmas is for a new Jets team. Yes, a whole new team. Pretty please?

Which reminds me, it’s the season of angels.  One tried to make one, while these were my favorite from last night.

Now on to Thursday. Show me a good time Chiefs and Raiders.

Cheers,

x|o FFF

Enough is Enough

To know what it’s like to love somebody the way I love you
To know how it feels to kill yourself with bad habits
To know what you want, know you’ll never truly have it
New York City, please go easy on me tonight

The Chainsmokers

Dear hearts, I’m about to lose it and a chipped nail or broken heel is not to blame. image

Ironic I had to be in NYC to watch the fifth Jets loss. I was so excited to watch at a little local Jets spot in the upper east side, and by the end of the first quarter, I felt it was best for my bank account and health to walk away.

As I’m jetting back to LA, sitting here in my seat seething, thoughts of a bad relationship pass through my mind.

When is this going to end? Why should I stay devoted? Is it time to walk away?

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I’m tired of semi-teasing JETS stands for Just End The Season.

I’m tired of the blue shadow the Giants cast over the city. You know you’re a Jets fan when you walk by Steve Tisch, laid out on his Manhattan Beach deck, and you just walk away. 

I’m tired of second best. I want the best. We deserve better, not clinging to a team that Jason Taylor once nicely called the garbage collection team of the NFL. 

Right now darlings, we know that’s true.

When can we look forward to a coach who is capable? When can we look forward again to a team as glorious as the 2010 one-game-away-from-the-SB, instead of what we now have to watch?

I dear heart cannot blame you if you do not watch any more. Time is precious, why waste it on a team so incapable, lying in the middle of the field would be more effective, than what the defense didn’t do to stop David Johnson last night.

Let’s be honest, that would be a incredible circus defense play, no questions asked.

See, I can still tease when I’m down.

I’ve defended Coach Bowles. I thought he was The Guy. The front office made pre-season moves intended to put this team ahead, acquiring Brandon Marshall and Matt Forte, but we recognize those names, since were previously sexy. They’re no longer stunners, even with how Marshall has played. Now, he’s the entire receiver’s corps, since Decker is about to have hip & shoulder replacement surgery. Let that sink in for a moment… 

I must take a stand and state, Geno Smith is NOT the answer. Wearing his perma-scowl and i’m-better-than-everybody panache, that’s not a face of the future. Petty or Hackenberg, get those gents reps. Coach Bowles, you’re already at the end of the line, just do it. You have nothing to lose at this point. If being let go is highly likely, make mistakes and make them big. Put your -ahem- on the table and make it happen.

I’m not someone who gives in or up easily. But dear Jets, you are pushing me to the limit of embracing outer darkness, otherwise known as the Raiders. That Carr has an arm, and they are great to watch this season. Plus I don’t have to travel so far to visit.

Even in these depths of despair, my dream continues to flicker, of proudly dawning my fur coat while sitting in my seats, six rows above the field at Metlife. A girl can dream… 

Cheers,

X|O  FFF

Let Me Savor This Pats

You have been a very, very bad boy Tom…

I just love how those words sound being typed on my little keyboard. Such a bad, bad boy!

Silly Tom, did you think you wouldn’t get caught taking the air out of those balls? The air out of your beloved balls. The balls with the long, white laces you like to caress with your long fingers. Especially that big one you like to…win…the football you like to win with.

As an unofficial honorary member of team gangrene, there’s nothing more satisfying than watching the Pattie Pat Pats, a) loose, or b) get into trouble.

I have this silly smile across my face, and no it’s not about my date last night. Cue Sinatra… I’m in heaven…. Tom Brady, I’m in heaven …Humming along to La Voz, as I pour a MacAllan 15 neat. Cheers to you silly men!

This precious moment brought to us by the deflate-gate scandal, may takeover the beauty of a Brady interception caused by Kansas City corner Sean Smith, earlier this season. Watching the Pats lose that night was satisfaction. De-lic-ious

Quoting Billy B in his opening statement to the media yesterday, “In my entire coaching career, I have never talked to any player or staff member about football air pressure,”

Really… Oh come now… Never… Ever?

Billy B, never is very bold statement. I realize you’re a bold guy, making bold moves in your hoodie and such. (giggle) As a man of your caliber, I would take an educated guess and state, especially after that little affair all of us remember, never is a word your mouth should instantly reject making the sounds of. Pop, lock, and hail-mary pass the key to that word far, far away.

Air pressure is a little valuable commodity. Especially when the primary object used, to move eleven men up and down the gridiron, and the object of the game, #winning, is dependent upon air pressure.

So when you and Tommy Boy have chit-chats, and I’m confident to state you probably know, since you like to channel your own Fifty Shades of Football, and the word controlling has your picture next to it in the dictionary, that YOU know Tom doesn’t really prefer his ball fully inflated. He likes it a little soft…

As Tommy B quoted back in 2011 on that scream-and-pound-your-chest-cuz-I’mma-Bawston-Broh radio station WEEI, and giving a nod to ProFootball Talk as the source, “I love that, because I like the deflated ball.”

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Oh Tom… Tom… Tommy Brady (shaking my finger) This Jets fan knows better. You’re charming ways don’t entrance this honey.

Off with this head! Just teasing… I still want to watch that pretty face get sacked.

You know I love sacks -wink-

I’m all in with Colin Cowherd on the ultimate Billy B and Tommy Boy punishment… Mandatory HBO Hard Knocks appearance for two seasons. I can hear the soft cry now. (giggle)

FFF